Hi, guys —

I am a Catholic convert of 4 years with no Catholic family. Right after I was confirmed, I was set loose into the Catholic Church with no guidance whatsoever on how to connect with other Catholics. I tried to fit in my parish of 3,000 members by playing violin in the guitar-singing group for the Masses.

After 3 years of that, I realized that no matter what I gave to the Church, or how I tried to participate, without any Catholic family, there was no way to ever fit into the Catholic Church as a single person. The parish music group had no problem using me as a professional violinist in their group, but I noticed that outside of rehearsals and Masses, none of the group's members cared to even speak to me. I saw an entry on a web site for former Catholics from a man who had served his parish music program for 12 years and still felt like no one cared about him because he was single so I wondered what hope there would be for me. I found it impossible to make friends in the Church for this reason.

One lady in the group pretended to befriend me, and then gossiped about everything I shared with her. Also, because of her enormous family, there was never any time that she could get together with me even to talk. My only family is:

• an elderly mother, a United Methodist, who disapproves of my beliefs as a Catholic
• an atheist turned Alzheimer's patient father, and
• a fire and brimstone Seventh Day Adventist Preacher brother who tells me I am going straight to hell for converting to Catholicism and who never speaks to me.

I entered RCIA because I went to a Catholic college where a Catholic professor impressed me so much with his compassion, and because I was so abused in the United Methodist Church by judgmental, slanderous, hateful, vengeful behavior from everyone from Pastors down to the members. As time went on, and I studied more about the faith in a (LPMP) Lay Pastoral Ministry program sponsored by my Archdiocese. I came to truly appreciate the teachings of the Catholic Church and how beautiful they are. Since then, I have been searching in vain to find even one Catholic who really lives these teachings.

For many years before I even became Catholic, I felt called to serve God in some collaborative way with others, and there were various joking hints along the way by people who recognized my call that I would make a great nun.

Because my parents were elderly and I needed to be in the same city with them, I inquired with the wrong order of religious sisters, an order that is dying rapidly because it no longer lives its mission statement and just spends its remaining days partying in gluttony and drunkenness.
The order took full advantage of me as a musician, and didn't even pay me for my services. Before I even moved in, I heard comments suggesting the women in that house did not want any more candidates. As soon as I moved into their "five-sister" convent, it was as if I became public enemy number one and they treated me in the most un-Christian, most abusive, merciless manner you can imagine, even to the point of denying me the right to any heat in my room the entire winter.

When it got to the point that my health was in danger and they realized that they were literally killing me, then they suddenly terminated me from the order also in the cruelest fashion you can imagine. They also went out of their way to slander me throughout the city and archdiocese so that they would look good and I would look bad. They also refused to give me a good recommendation for all the good work I did while in their convent, and basically trashed me as a human being. Now that I have been chewed up and spit out from a religious order, I understand why they are dying out.

There appears to be huge dysfunctional families in which severe abuse has been passed down the generations. It may be true that they did good work to help many people in the past, but none of that justifies completely destroying a person's life just because she wanted to serve God with them. This order's mission statement has to do with reconciliation and being a life-giving presence to the world. I have never felt so alienated in my entire life as when I tried to associate with them.

Currently, my health is in jeopardy because of the abuse I suffered this past year and I remain without any support from my own parish or priest. As for my Lay Pastoral Ministry project,
I offered to start a free volunteer violin program in my parish school. My priest wanted me to
do this until he heard something bad about me (more slander and negative gossip). After this,
he went out and hired another violin teacher to do that job, even though it was my idea and my project. For this reason, I was unable to graduate from the LPMP program.

So far two Catholic doctors have refused to even allow me to be treated in their clinics and recently, my parent's neighbors, a pious Catholic couple from my parish, harassed my poor, elderly, worn-out mom because her gutters were leaking in their yard and they wanted a huge profit on the sale of their home. One of the sisters in the convent where I lived this year influenced my spiritual director to terminate all contact with me which they both have done right before my birthday and the holidays, knowing as they do, that I have no one to talk to anymore.

At the present time, I am struggling to keep my faith alive in a vacuum of total alienation and isolation. The only Catholics I have any contact with are all people who lost their faith and left the Church a long time ago because of past abuse and unfriendly behavior by people in parishes.

I realize now that I could continue receiving the Eucharist and find Christ's love in that, but sooner or later, if I never see any true manifestation of that love anywhere in the Catholic Church, even among so-called religious people, I may not be able to keep the faith. I do not wish to go on living in pain and being unable to forgive but, in my entire life of 52 years, I have never seen any evidence that reconciliation is ever possible in the human race.

My questions are:

• How can Christ be in any of the abuses of the Catholic Religious orders?
• Is there any place for singles to find support in the Catholic Church?
• How can I keep my faith under these circumstances in total isolation?
• Where can I go to find a Catholic friend who really lives the teachings of the Church and who would have time for a single person?
• Is there any support group for rejects of religious orders?

Sincerely yours,

Rejected Rosemary